Our Road to Adoption

When people hear we are adopting, they automatically assume it is because of infertility. Heck, even the adoption course we took as part of the application process, assumed that that was the primary reason as to why we were adopting.

While infertility is part of the reason, it isn't the WHOLE reason. Adoption is not our last resort, our final chance or our hail mary pass to build a family. It was our choice.

I was diagnosed with primary infertility at age 21. It wasn't a shock and no tears where shed at that time for what most people deem a "loss" or a "tragedy" for a woman. It didn't really affect me until it affected someone else...namely Mick.  I cried as I told him as I knew children were important to him. It was better for me to be up front and honest very early (like 3 dates!) into the relationship so he could run for the hills if he wanted. Luckily for me, he didn't and has been supportive since that awkward conversation.

I'm a huge fan of awkward conversations. Obviously.

We talked about our options from then on and adoption was something we were both interested in pursuing one day if our relationship came to that.  Even prior to Mick and before my diagnosis, I had realized that I was very interested in international, specifically African, adoption. That should come to no surprise to most of you! Mick had also pondered adoption prior to meeting me.

We moved to BC and thought, at the time, that BC would be where we stayed. We saw a fertility specialist there who told us our options after a battery of tests, which if childbirth is even twice as painful, I'm counting my blessings! We didn't like our options but at least we had some. We moved back to Calgary and saw specialists here, who told us the same news and same statistics.

I think we both knew after leaving the fertility clinic, that biological children would not be in our future. I don't even remember a serious conversation about looking into our fertility options. The cost, the less than 40% success rate, the stress every month, every cycle, every pee on  stick,...it wasn't worth it and we realized that having a biological child wasn't that important to us, that we wouldn't be willing to take the gamble. We could have saved and scrimped and begged the bank for a loan to pursue this. We could have made intimate requests of friends and family, we could have crossed our fingers and toes and prayed every night for a successful outcome and we might have gotten it, but being pregnant was not something I had to experience. It may sound strange, but I never really had a desire to experience pregnancy, so adoption made the most sense.

We never had a sit down conversation about when we would start the process, we just...started. After we bought a house, the timing felt right. We met with an agency, which we found after I did a google search and liked their website best. We got some information. We attended a foster/government adoption class. We discussed if we wanted our first child to be an international adoption. We selected domestic for our first kidlet and we jumped right in. Forms, payment, more forms, more money...and we were on our way.

Adoption was our choice. I don't feel the need to have to justify it to people who don't understand why we'd choose to parent "someone else's baby".  It isn't someone else's baby, it is MY baby and how he/she came to our family, is irrelevant. And yet, people assume that just because we chose to not undergo fertility treatment, that I'm sad with our choice, that it is our last resort.

Am I sad over not delivering a baby? Sometimes. But it isn't so much the biological part, but the experience part. I cried when I found out that I was going to be an aunt (both times!). I wasn't sure that we would ever get to do a big "We're Expecting!" announcement for family as adoptions generally don't allow you that kind of time. I cried bawled when we were on our way to hold my niece for the first time. I wasn't sure that I would ever hold my own 2 day old baby, that I would ever experience a newborn like that. Those emotions are still there. But I definitely don't cry over how we chose to build our family or the hand that was dealt to me. There is no pity party, so please don't feel sorry for us.

We chose adoption and we feel, in some ways, that adoption chose us. Our process and waiting as been smooth and drama free and heck...if I don't have to push out a Boisselle head, that is a plus in my book!