Our Road to Adoption

When people hear we are adopting, they automatically assume it is because of infertility. Heck, even the adoption course we took as part of the application process, assumed that that was the primary reason as to why we were adopting.

While infertility is part of the reason, it isn't the WHOLE reason. Adoption is not our last resort, our final chance or our hail mary pass to build a family. It was our choice.

I was diagnosed with primary infertility at age 21. It wasn't a shock and no tears where shed at that time for what most people deem a "loss" or a "tragedy" for a woman. It didn't really affect me until it affected someone else...namely Mick.  I cried as I told him as I knew children were important to him. It was better for me to be up front and honest very early (like 3 dates!) into the relationship so he could run for the hills if he wanted. Luckily for me, he didn't and has been supportive since that awkward conversation.

I'm a huge fan of awkward conversations. Obviously.

We talked about our options from then on and adoption was something we were both interested in pursuing one day if our relationship came to that.  Even prior to Mick and before my diagnosis, I had realized that I was very interested in international, specifically African, adoption. That should come to no surprise to most of you! Mick had also pondered adoption prior to meeting me.

We moved to BC and thought, at the time, that BC would be where we stayed. We saw a fertility specialist there who told us our options after a battery of tests, which if childbirth is even twice as painful, I'm counting my blessings! We didn't like our options but at least we had some. We moved back to Calgary and saw specialists here, who told us the same news and same statistics.

I think we both knew after leaving the fertility clinic, that biological children would not be in our future. I don't even remember a serious conversation about looking into our fertility options. The cost, the less than 40% success rate, the stress every month, every cycle, every pee on  stick,...it wasn't worth it and we realized that having a biological child wasn't that important to us, that we wouldn't be willing to take the gamble. We could have saved and scrimped and begged the bank for a loan to pursue this. We could have made intimate requests of friends and family, we could have crossed our fingers and toes and prayed every night for a successful outcome and we might have gotten it, but being pregnant was not something I had to experience. It may sound strange, but I never really had a desire to experience pregnancy, so adoption made the most sense.

We never had a sit down conversation about when we would start the process, we just...started. After we bought a house, the timing felt right. We met with an agency, which we found after I did a google search and liked their website best. We got some information. We attended a foster/government adoption class. We discussed if we wanted our first child to be an international adoption. We selected domestic for our first kidlet and we jumped right in. Forms, payment, more forms, more money...and we were on our way.

Adoption was our choice. I don't feel the need to have to justify it to people who don't understand why we'd choose to parent "someone else's baby".  It isn't someone else's baby, it is MY baby and how he/she came to our family, is irrelevant. And yet, people assume that just because we chose to not undergo fertility treatment, that I'm sad with our choice, that it is our last resort.

Am I sad over not delivering a baby? Sometimes. But it isn't so much the biological part, but the experience part. I cried when I found out that I was going to be an aunt (both times!). I wasn't sure that we would ever get to do a big "We're Expecting!" announcement for family as adoptions generally don't allow you that kind of time. I cried bawled when we were on our way to hold my niece for the first time. I wasn't sure that I would ever hold my own 2 day old baby, that I would ever experience a newborn like that. Those emotions are still there. But I definitely don't cry over how we chose to build our family or the hand that was dealt to me. There is no pity party, so please don't feel sorry for us.

We chose adoption and we feel, in some ways, that adoption chose us. Our process and waiting as been smooth and drama free and heck...if I don't have to push out a Boisselle head, that is a plus in my book!

Spread the Word to End the Word

I know a lot of people use their blogs as a political outlet for spewing their beliefs in a matter of getting their points across. I never thought that this would be the way that we would use this blog, but I feel that this is one of those things that I can't help but write about. March 6th 2013 is the international day for the movement "Spread the Word to End the Word". The words in question are Retard or Retarded. Being involved in Special Olympics for 10+ years as a coach I have been able to see first hand the effect that this word has on people and the ignorance there is in the world surrounding it.

I can honestly say that I wasn't always one to help advocate for such a cause. In fact I was looking back through some old year books and noticed that in Junior High School (I believe grade 9) my favorite quote at the time was "Mental Retard". When I read this now I cringe and think about how uneducated I was. Of course some could argue that I was in Junior High and that I really didn't know better but that's no excuse. When I think about how many times I used that simple phrase when I was younger, I can only imagine the impact that it may have had on someone who was a little "different" then the rest of us. Did me saying those words lead to someone hating themselves? Did those 2 words have such an effect on someone that they stopped caring about anything and shunned themselves from the world? Even as I write this the thought of this possibility brings tears to my eyes as it was never my intention but it very well could have happened.

This brings me to today and all the ways I have heard these words being used... "That party was retarded" or "You are a retard" or just referring to everyday things that may be unbelievable or ridiculous as "retarded". Come on people we are all well educated, is there no word out there that we can use instead of the R-word in these situations? In fact I am pretty sure I just gave you 2. Words can be powerful things and with computers, social media and ever changing technology words such as "retard" or "retarded" seem to live a whole new life and meaning so why cant we seem to stop using a word that has so many negative connotations? We have done it with so many other words but this one seems to stay around.

Now I know what you are thinking "but what can I do?" Simple answer, stop using those words in your everyday conversation and bring attention to those that do use it and hopefully one by one people will stop using these words. Even if you are able to only change one person's perspective on using these words it will be a win because hopefully they can change one person as well... One of my most proudest moments came from my wife. About a year and a half ago she started a new job where these words were being used prolifically. Now most of her exposure to people with intellectual disabilities has been because of me so she really didn't have to stand up to it, but she did. She sent out an email to all her new co-workers and brought to their attention their use of these words. She got mixed responses but most positive and thanking her for saying something. It took a lot for her to reach out like this but that simple email has made a difference in her workplace.

I have seen the downside to this word but I have also seen what people with intellectual disabilities can do and the difference they make in peoples lives everyday. I would almost go as far to say that they changed my life. If I had never started volunteering with Special Olympics when I was 15, if I had never met some of those amazing people then I am sure I would be seeing the world in a whole different light. People often say that it must have felt good going and helping "those" people at Special Olympics and I would agree that yeah I loved helping all my friends and it felt good. But I didn't help them, they helped me. We're More Alike Than Different!

If you would like more information please go to www.r-word.org and if you feel so inclined take the pledge to end the Word.

I pledge and support the elimination of the derogatory use of the r-word from everyday speech and promote the acceptance and inclusion of people with intellectual disabilities.

I've taken my pledge, will you?

Until Next Time!