What Went Wrong

Please excuse us while we jump around a bit in the timeline. Some of these posts were prior to baby arriving...

WHAT WENT WRONG??????

This had to be a mistake, some bad dream that I was in the middle of. Someone playing a very cruel joke on Crystal and I. I was expecting to wake up at any moment and have all this pain I was feeling gone and for us to be holding our little girl. Deep down I knew this was happening but still a part of me was hoping for that last minute reprieve, you know where the Warden stops the execution right before the injection happens. How do we go from the elation of having our baby in our arms the day before? To leaving the hospital the way we came, just the 2 of us.

April 26th was not like any other day. From conversations Crystal had with Courtney the day before we knew this day very well could end with us having a baby. So we were preparing and getting ready for that. 3:30am we get the call from Courtney, "I'm in labour, can you come pick me up?" Crystal and I were out the door and on our way before 4am. And all of us were at the hospital by 4:30am. Around 12:30pm I got the text from Crystal saying "She is here!" The feeling I felt was indescribable, I couldn't believe that the moment was here and then Crystal sent a picture. She was beautiful, she was perfect, she was ours, or so we thought.

Before I continue I need to take this time and give my wife the credit she deserves. Crystal stayed with Courtney from when we arrived at the hospital until we went home the next day. The strength that she showed through this time was unbelievable and I love her so much for it.

The evening of the 26th, we had now been at the hospital for over 15hours. Our social worker was there and we were just hanging out in the room getting to know our baby. Around 6pm the social worker could tell that something was "off" with Courtney so she asked Crystal and I to go get some coffee so she could talk and see what is up. At this point our minds started to wander, what is going on? Is she changing her mind? Why do we need to leave? We were panicking a bit. After about an hour we got the OK from Jerri (Social Worker) that we could come back to the room, as we arrived Jerri said that everything was good, Courtney took that time to grieve the loss that was about to happen and did everything that she was supposed to do. In our minds and Jerri's mind everything was text book, we would be taking the baby home tomorrow once Courtney has signed the paper work. So I went home. I had been up for a while and I was fading fast. The 2 ladies that had been through so much more than I had mocked me for being tired, but I knew that I wanted to be refreshed and ready to go for the next day as it was going to be awesome. Courtney wanted us to be at the hospital overnight to start bonding with baby as soon as possible. She knew those first few hours and moments were priceless so even though it felt awkward, Crystal stayed at the hospital, overnight, "sleeping" on a not so comfortable chair. Again the strength she had... Unbelievable.

About 11pm that night, I got a text from Crystal saying that Courtney said she could go home if she wanted, Crystal said no way and decided to stay. Looking back now she thinks this point in the night might have been a crucial time that changed our lives.

Saturday. April 27th. I woke up to a wonderful text message with a picture of a very beautiful little girl. What a way to wake up. Today was going to be a good day. I made my way to the hospital to pick up our baby and take her home, little did I know at that time I wouldn't be. When I arrived I met Crystal in the hall as Courtney's family was in the room with her. Jerri arrived about 45minutes after I did and decided to go talk to Courtney. We decided to head back to the room and as we did Jerri stopped us and asked us to come out to the hallway as she wanted to talk to us. We could tell something was not right. Just outside the doors Crystal looks at Jerri and says "she is keeping her isn't she?" Jerri just stared at us and said "I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened."

That moment those words came out of Jerri's mouth was one of the worst moments I have ever experienced. Crystal and I as a couple have had to deal with some loss and grief together but nothing as personal as the loss of a child. It was devastating. Here we were in a hallway at the hospital crying our eyes out because our worst fear had just been realized. Automatically we start thinking, What Happened? What went wrong? Why is she doing this? All these questions we know we probably would never get answers too but still WHY? Why us? What happened? Was it her family? Did they talk her into keeping her baby? Was it something we did in the last 2 days? We probably would never know, all we knew was now we had to tell everyone. Our first calls were to our parents. I remember calling my dad and him asking me if I was kidding, my response "do you think I would f**king kid about something like that?" Yeah emotions were running a little high at that point.

So it was done. Crystal and I gathered our stuff and left the hospital, just the 2 of us. Probably one of the worst drives home we have ever had, to go along with one of the worst days in our lives. One of the things that hurt the most about this situation is that I never got to see our girl on the 27th. The last time I saw her was 9pm the night before. Sometimes I think this was a good thing because then it would make it easier, but let me tell you, I was smitten from that very first picture Crystal sent me a mere few minutes after she was born. That girl already had her "dad" wrapped around her finger and she wasn't even a day old. Even now as I write this I am getting teary (which at work can be awkward) but knowing that there was nothing we did and nothing we could have done has helped heal. Crystal and I have grown a lot since then, we have become stronger, my love for her has grown stronger seeing her strength and weakness through this. As hard as this was, we know exactly "What Went Wrong". Courtney didn't realize the emotions and love she carried for that little girl, and fell in love with her as much as we did when she was born and who can blame Courtney... She was perfect.

Until Next Time!

Where Are We Now?

Please excuse us while we jump around a bit on posting. We are trying to keep this blog current while also filling in the gaps! 

My initial knee jerk reaction in the day or two after Courtney decided to parent, was that I couldn't and wouldn't do this again.  My heart was in pieces and I didn't think I could handle going through all of the steps again. I dreaded receiving another matching phone call. I dreaded having to tell our family and close friends again for I knew what they would be thinking...as we were going to be thinking it too. "What if this one doesn't work out either". I didn't think I was strong enough to handle what felt like another personal rejection.

We were going to take some time "on hold" on the list (which just means that our profile is not shown to prospective birth parents) and mend our wounds. 

We met with our social worker about 3 days after leaving the hospital. We felt we needed some closure. We found out that we were, in fact, already back on the list. I wasn't sure how I felt about that but after a good chat with our social worker and her encouragement, we decided to let the process run it's course and wait and see. We could be waiting 3 months, we could be waiting another year.  Our social worker, Jerri, knows that we are going to be a bit more gun-shy the next time around and that is understandable. Our agency is great and will work with us, providing us all the support we need. 

My friend asked me if we could do it all over again the same way, with the 3 months notice and the getting to know birth mom through emails, attending doctor visits, being in the delivery room, holding baby first, spending the night in the hospital....and having potentially the same outcome, would we? Would I? Could I? Could I put myself through that again? 

After some thought....I realized that I would. In a heartbeat. 

That's how I know that this process, while not for everyone...is what we have to do to build our family and we'll do it over again as many times as we have to. And it will make me stronger and make us stronger together. After all, this was probably the first "together" tragedy that Mick and I have had to face. And we survived. 

Having those months to get to know Courtney made it less awkward and we honestly felt that we could have  had an open adoption plan that would work for both of us. I felt like I had made a connection to her, which in part, made the revocation that much harder but in the end we choose to believe that Courtney made the only decision she could. I loved being apart of the birth and being able to hold baby first, was priceless to me. I'd do it again.  

So...where are we now? 

On the wait list, we are officially number 22 but with 3 couples "on hold" in front of us, we are technically #19. They are on hold, waiting for the birth of their kidlet so I will keep my fingers crossed for them, that they get to go home with their babe and live happily ever after. 

We know the numbers mean very little as a birth mom can pick someone from anywhere on the list (after all, we were #34 when Courtney picked us!) but the smaller the number, the bigger the anticipation grows. 

We have also decided to double up on our adoption chances. I've always wanted to pursue an international adoption and we knew that we would eventually but it seems that the "eventually" is now. We have started the paperwork and process for applying for an international child(ren). We have been "approved" by the government to pursue an Ethiopia and now we just have to jump through our local agency hoops and a get approval from a coordinating agency in Manitoba as well. We are excited and nervous about this option as the wait time is longer (approx 4 years) and the financial side will be (very) stressful. We know that doing this process now, while we wait for a domestic adoption, makes the most sense to (hopefully!) shorten our waiting time in the long run. 

So that is where we are at. We are doing well. We are forging ahead. Sometimes we catch ourselves imagining what she would have been doing and how she would have fit into our lives, but I think for the most part, we've reached acceptance with the situation. She was never meant to be ours and so we'll continue to wait and think about and dream for the child(ren) that will one day be ours. Officially.

It's A Girl!

We met with "our" birth mom, Courtney, on January 30th. I was a nervous wreck all week, never mind almost not being able to function on the actual day. This wasn't a "regular" meeting, this was a meeting that would potentially alter our lives as we knew it.

We went back and forth between..

"Oh gosh, what if she picks us" and "oh gosh, what if she doesn't pick us". We couldn't imagine our lives with either scenario.

We met with Courtney at the agency. It was awkward and uncomfortable and scary. She was intense with lots of questions for us, putting us on the hot seat. She watched us. Studied our moves and how we interacted. She even told the social worker after the meeting, that she liked the way we watched each other as we talked, that I seemed more reserved and less confident, that she liked that Mick was emotional and she could tell he wanted to be a dad. As there was some question as to the race of the baby, she was even concerned that we lacked African American friends!  We had no concerns about her family history, medical history or past. She seemed like the perfect fit for us, perfect on paper and the best case scenario. After 2 hours of questions and answers and getting a feel for each other, she told the social worker that she didn't need to think about it, we were the couple.

And just like that...my mind and heart were racing. There was very little emotion involved. No hugs, no tears...just pure shock. We exchanged emails and went on our way.

Oh my gosh. We were having a baby girl. I was over the moon. We couldn't believe and even talked about how the timing was perfect. My parents were coming into town from Manitoba that weekend for my grandpa's birthday and we couldn't wait to share our news. They were completely in the dark...we didn't even mention to them that we were matched or had a meeting with a potential birth mom. The saddest part for me about not have a traditional pregnancy was that there was a loss of "excitement" and a big announcement. Everything was so logical and paper-based. I wanted to share this news and not in an email or phone call. Only in-person would do!

Mick and I had to pick up our dog from his parents house. We knew that there was NO WAY we could see them and not share. So we called them and asked them to meet us for coffee at his brothers house. Then we called his brother to say we were bored and wanted to come for coffee. We knew that they figured something was up but I wasn't going to give in before we saw them in person. We made a quick stop to Babies R Us and bought 2 small pink frames that announced:

It's A Girl!

Our families were obviously excited and over the moon for us. My mom, I think, was in the most shock as she didn't understand the "announcement" when she opened up the frame. She had to be told what it meant by my brother's fiance even after reading aloud the frame and the note that said "due May 2013". she just looked and stared and repeating it! There were many tears and hugs and celebratory drinks. We couldn't believe that in 3 months, our lives would be completely different.

We couldn't wait.