What Went Wrong

Please excuse us while we jump around a bit in the timeline. Some of these posts were prior to baby arriving...

WHAT WENT WRONG??????

This had to be a mistake, some bad dream that I was in the middle of. Someone playing a very cruel joke on Crystal and I. I was expecting to wake up at any moment and have all this pain I was feeling gone and for us to be holding our little girl. Deep down I knew this was happening but still a part of me was hoping for that last minute reprieve, you know where the Warden stops the execution right before the injection happens. How do we go from the elation of having our baby in our arms the day before? To leaving the hospital the way we came, just the 2 of us.

April 26th was not like any other day. From conversations Crystal had with Courtney the day before we knew this day very well could end with us having a baby. So we were preparing and getting ready for that. 3:30am we get the call from Courtney, "I'm in labour, can you come pick me up?" Crystal and I were out the door and on our way before 4am. And all of us were at the hospital by 4:30am. Around 12:30pm I got the text from Crystal saying "She is here!" The feeling I felt was indescribable, I couldn't believe that the moment was here and then Crystal sent a picture. She was beautiful, she was perfect, she was ours, or so we thought.

Before I continue I need to take this time and give my wife the credit she deserves. Crystal stayed with Courtney from when we arrived at the hospital until we went home the next day. The strength that she showed through this time was unbelievable and I love her so much for it.

The evening of the 26th, we had now been at the hospital for over 15hours. Our social worker was there and we were just hanging out in the room getting to know our baby. Around 6pm the social worker could tell that something was "off" with Courtney so she asked Crystal and I to go get some coffee so she could talk and see what is up. At this point our minds started to wander, what is going on? Is she changing her mind? Why do we need to leave? We were panicking a bit. After about an hour we got the OK from Jerri (Social Worker) that we could come back to the room, as we arrived Jerri said that everything was good, Courtney took that time to grieve the loss that was about to happen and did everything that she was supposed to do. In our minds and Jerri's mind everything was text book, we would be taking the baby home tomorrow once Courtney has signed the paper work. So I went home. I had been up for a while and I was fading fast. The 2 ladies that had been through so much more than I had mocked me for being tired, but I knew that I wanted to be refreshed and ready to go for the next day as it was going to be awesome. Courtney wanted us to be at the hospital overnight to start bonding with baby as soon as possible. She knew those first few hours and moments were priceless so even though it felt awkward, Crystal stayed at the hospital, overnight, "sleeping" on a not so comfortable chair. Again the strength she had... Unbelievable.

About 11pm that night, I got a text from Crystal saying that Courtney said she could go home if she wanted, Crystal said no way and decided to stay. Looking back now she thinks this point in the night might have been a crucial time that changed our lives.

Saturday. April 27th. I woke up to a wonderful text message with a picture of a very beautiful little girl. What a way to wake up. Today was going to be a good day. I made my way to the hospital to pick up our baby and take her home, little did I know at that time I wouldn't be. When I arrived I met Crystal in the hall as Courtney's family was in the room with her. Jerri arrived about 45minutes after I did and decided to go talk to Courtney. We decided to head back to the room and as we did Jerri stopped us and asked us to come out to the hallway as she wanted to talk to us. We could tell something was not right. Just outside the doors Crystal looks at Jerri and says "she is keeping her isn't she?" Jerri just stared at us and said "I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened."

That moment those words came out of Jerri's mouth was one of the worst moments I have ever experienced. Crystal and I as a couple have had to deal with some loss and grief together but nothing as personal as the loss of a child. It was devastating. Here we were in a hallway at the hospital crying our eyes out because our worst fear had just been realized. Automatically we start thinking, What Happened? What went wrong? Why is she doing this? All these questions we know we probably would never get answers too but still WHY? Why us? What happened? Was it her family? Did they talk her into keeping her baby? Was it something we did in the last 2 days? We probably would never know, all we knew was now we had to tell everyone. Our first calls were to our parents. I remember calling my dad and him asking me if I was kidding, my response "do you think I would f**king kid about something like that?" Yeah emotions were running a little high at that point.

So it was done. Crystal and I gathered our stuff and left the hospital, just the 2 of us. Probably one of the worst drives home we have ever had, to go along with one of the worst days in our lives. One of the things that hurt the most about this situation is that I never got to see our girl on the 27th. The last time I saw her was 9pm the night before. Sometimes I think this was a good thing because then it would make it easier, but let me tell you, I was smitten from that very first picture Crystal sent me a mere few minutes after she was born. That girl already had her "dad" wrapped around her finger and she wasn't even a day old. Even now as I write this I am getting teary (which at work can be awkward) but knowing that there was nothing we did and nothing we could have done has helped heal. Crystal and I have grown a lot since then, we have become stronger, my love for her has grown stronger seeing her strength and weakness through this. As hard as this was, we know exactly "What Went Wrong". Courtney didn't realize the emotions and love she carried for that little girl, and fell in love with her as much as we did when she was born and who can blame Courtney... She was perfect.

Until Next Time!