My initial knee jerk reaction in the day or two after Courtney decided to parent, was that I couldn't and wouldn't do this again. My heart was in pieces and I didn't think I could handle going through all of the steps again. I dreaded receiving another matching phone call. I dreaded having to tell our family and close friends again for I knew what they would be thinking...as we were going to be thinking it too. "What if this one doesn't work out either". I didn't think I was strong enough to handle what felt like another personal rejection.
We were going to take some time "on hold" on the list (which just means that our profile is not shown to prospective birth parents) and mend our wounds.
We met with our social worker about 3 days after leaving the hospital. We felt we needed some closure. We found out that we were, in fact, already back on the list. I wasn't sure how I felt about that but after a good chat with our social worker and her encouragement, we decided to let the process run it's course and wait and see. We could be waiting 3 months, we could be waiting another year. Our social worker, Jerri, knows that we are going to be a bit more gun-shy the next time around and that is understandable. Our agency is great and will work with us, providing us all the support we need.
My friend asked me if we could do it all over again the same way, with the 3 months notice and the getting to know birth mom through emails, attending doctor visits, being in the delivery room, holding baby first, spending the night in the hospital....and having potentially the same outcome, would we? Would I? Could I? Could I put myself through that again?
After some thought....I realized that I would. In a heartbeat.
That's how I know that this process, while not for everyone...is what we have to do to build our family and we'll do it over again as many times as we have to. And it will make me stronger and make us stronger together. After all, this was probably the first "together" tragedy that Mick and I have had to face. And we survived.
Having those months to get to know Courtney made it less awkward and we honestly felt that we could have had an open adoption plan that would work for both of us. I felt like I had made a connection to her, which in part, made the revocation that much harder but in the end we choose to believe that Courtney made the only decision she could. I loved being apart of the birth and being able to hold baby first, was priceless to me. I'd do it again.
So...where are we now?
On the wait list, we are officially number 22 but with 3 couples "on hold" in front of us, we are technically #19. They are on hold, waiting for the birth of their kidlet so I will keep my fingers crossed for them, that they get to go home with their babe and live happily ever after.
We know the numbers mean very little as a birth mom can pick someone from anywhere on the list (after all, we were #34 when Courtney picked us!) but the smaller the number, the bigger the anticipation grows.
We have also decided to double up on our adoption chances. I've always wanted to pursue an international adoption and we knew that we would eventually but it seems that the "eventually" is now. We have started the paperwork and process for applying for an international child(ren). We have been "approved" by the government to pursue an Ethiopia and now we just have to jump through our local agency hoops and a get approval from a coordinating agency in Manitoba as well. We are excited and nervous about this option as the wait time is longer (approx 4 years) and the financial side will be (very) stressful. We know that doing this process now, while we wait for a domestic adoption, makes the most sense to (hopefully!) shorten our waiting time in the long run.
So that is where we are at. We are doing well. We are forging ahead. Sometimes we catch ourselves imagining what she would have been doing and how she would have fit into our lives, but I think for the most part, we've reached acceptance with the situation. She was never meant to be ours and so we'll continue to wait and think about and dream for the child(ren) that will one day be ours. Officially.
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